DEAR KYIA

Dear 12 year old me,

It's hard, all of it I know. You don’t want to face the feelings so you throw them up. You're alone. But you're only alone because you let yourself be. 

You are a good person. You’ll make friends and lose them. You’ll go into a depression. You’ll want to leave this world. When you tell your family your dad tells you to take the whole bottle because he doesn't want to push you around for the rest of his life. Your older sister cries. Your mom guilt trips you and tries to make it about her. Your little sister acts like you never said it. When you tell them about the eating disorders they tell you, you don’t  have one. And I'm sorry we had to go through that. 

You finally opened up to your friends about it. They were supportive. You got better so much better. You felt needed, you stopped turning the showers all the way to the hottest it could get, you stopped scavenging your room for razors. You got better. Then your dad found out you told people . He yelled at you. He got upset. You cried. He made you feel like a liar. Guilt tripped you into thinking you did it for attention. 

But you could see in his eyes he felt guilty. 

I’m sorry love I know how much you want it but you will never have the support of your family. You won't be able to tell your mom about your first kiss. Never get to make funny jokes with your dad. Never be able to talk to your older sister. And never be able to make your younger sister understand. But you have yourself and that's all you need.

-Love, Me